Monthly Archives: October 2018

Great Relationships

From 1986 – 2008 I was a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice. This is the first in a series of columns about what I learned during that adventure.

    • No one ever gets married with the intention of having a marriage that does not work. Yet so many people find themselves in that very position.
    • Based on 22 years of being closely involved with hundreds of marriages on a daily basis, I can tell you that there are 4 types of marriage:
      • The Cell Mate Marriage – The worst possible situation to be in. Been there, done that one myself.
      • The Room Mate Marriage – Unfortunately the most common marriage. Folks settle for “the way it is” for the rest of their lives.
      • The Life Mate Marriage – Second most common, these folks still really like each other, the spark is just not there all the time.
      • The Soul Mate Marriage – Rarest of the four types. And so worth waiting for, as that is what I’m blessed with now.
    • Want to know the number one way to screw up your marriage and complicate your life more that you ever thought possible? The one move you can make to accomplish all that plus even more misery is to have an affair. While I don’t speak from personal experience, I do speak from the experience of helping hundreds of couples pick up the pieces of that unique human disaster.
  • One of the best things you can do to keep a great marriage going is to keep doing most if not all of the great and loving things you did while you were dating. I know it’s a radical notion, but I’m here to tell you, it works!

All The Secrets About Relationships

A happy relationship is one of the best things life can offer; it is difficult to maintain lasting happiness. Unsolved problems can ruin your life; good feelings will be only a memory. Relationship counseling can help to have lasting harmony, truly resolving your problems. Relationship counseling can also teach you how to keep love and appropriate feelings alive, for the rest of your life.

You must do something for you, for your family, to bring happiness back into your house. Relationship counseling teaches you to work through relationship problems, to keep your love, harmony, happiness and trust alive. You can build and maintain a truly rewarding relationship with powerful tools. There are some key tools to help you maintain your relationship healthy, and strong.

Powerful tools to maintain a healthy and happy relationship
Relationship counseling can help you to learn the key tools to make your life better; difficult times can lead your relationship to disaster. You must learn how to prevent or resolve your present and future problems. You must know how to build respect, trust, harmony, and understanding.

With committed relationship counseling, you will change things, no matter how troubled your relationship is. Relationship counseling can teach you how to make the positive change you need how to resolve relationship problems and build a rewarding relationship. To save your relationship you must take action as soon as possible and have the relationship tools you need today; therapist specialized in relationship counseling say the a committed relationship counseling offers powerful key procedures to expand happiness and harmony.

In short time you will discover a great difference in your relationship, a spectacular change with the guidance of relationship counseling. Therapist can be a source of wisdom; they can help you to build the relationship you want. Couples can succeed in their relationship; they can have clear directions, powerful strategies and tools to make their relationship back on track.

There are also web sites for relationship counseling; all sorts of people can face problems in their relationships. Things can be changed; many resources are available through Internet or in many relationship counseling offices. Good relationships with your partner or family members are vital for your life, resent and future. Relationship counseling will help you to manage every situation constructively, listening, encouraging and helping people to reach their decisions about the best tools to use to strengthen your relationship in the future.

My Family Rules About Relationships

Family and Cultural Scripts When you were born into your family you were presented with your ‘script’ or pre’script’ion for life. Just like an actor on stage works from a script, so do you. Most of us don’t even realize that subconsciously we accept and live out our ‘script’ without any conscious knowledge of what we are doing.

Have you ever found yourself doing or saying something and thought to yourself – ‘wow, that is or sounds just like mum (or dad, or someone else in the family) used to do/say’?

I was presented with this so clearly when about fourteen years ago I went back to the country of my ancestry to meet family that I had not known before. My immediate family migrated to this country, Australia, before I was born so I had never known who my relatives were. I never met my grandparents and on only one occasion did an aunt come to visit us as I was growing up. Anyway here I am meeting these unknown relatives for the first time and I was struck by something that seemed to bind us in a way that was even crazier than just the same surname. This was striking enough as, with such an unusual surname, I had never known anyone in my country with the same name.

But now I was meeting people that not only had the same surname but who used their voices, just like me, and used body gestures, just like me. I immediately felt an incredible connection with these people that was so much more than a name. It was freaky even as I felt I was looking at a mirror of myself.

This is the power of the script. It is the way I, and my cousins so far away in another land, had learned from our parents, who had got it from their parents, exactly how to speak and gesture as well as what to value and believe in. The power of that still absolutely staggers me.

We also know this exists within our being subconsciously as each day we do so many things without even thinking about it, like brushing our teeth and getting ourselves to work or home again. We just trust our subconscious mind to take care of these things and it does.

And let me ask you this question. Have you ever been driving your car or been taking a walk when you suddenly realize you don’t remember how you got to where you are?

Your subconscious mind got you there and you can trust it. If you had come across a red light or something happened that needed your attention you would be there in an instant.

This ability is really very helpful: It means that you don’t have to read the directions on the toothpaste tube or look up a street directory to find your way to work or back home again. It’s the same process for everything you do in life. And not just what you do, but what you think and feel as well.

From your observations of those significant others in your life, which in the first instance are generally your parents, you learn how to respond to certain things that happen in your lives and then behave in exactly that way until something happens to get you to rethink those responses and to try something different.

This then becomes your ‘script’ for life, and has all of the details in it about how to be a girl or a boy, a parent or a son or daughter, a man or a woman, or even a husband or wife.

This ‘script’ for life holds all of your values, beliefs and attitudes which overlay your needs. If it is, that in those very early years of your life, your basic needs are recognized and satisfied, you will grow up to be a confident adult, with a healthy ‘script’. You are able to care for yourself and ask for the care of others and to know that you will get that care as you need it.

If, on the other hand, those five basic needs are not recognized or satisfied in you as a young child, then you run the risk of developing an unhealthy ‘script’. You will grow up seeking to have those needs fulfilled, often in inappropriate ways, and often to your disadvantage. The ways you seek to have those needs fulfilled will also reflect how your parents and/or other significant people in your life demonstrated that for you.

Life Phrases About Relationships

I pump energy into my relationships.

The great killer of affiliations and kinships is to take them for granted.

I liken this to the energy that holds the universe together. That energy is often called gravity. While gravity certainly exists, it is not well understood. But somehow, the entire Universe is under the influence of that energy. Without it, the Universe as we now it would collapse or fly apart. This gravity is kind of give and take affair. Each object or wave within the Universe attracts other objects or waves. The earth is pulled toward the Sun as it revolves in orbit. The earth tries to pull away from the Sun as it flies through space. The two draws sort of cancel each other out and the Earth remains in orbit. If either the Sun or the Earth were to suddenly (or gradually) withdraw its gravitational influence, the two bodies would drift apart. To the great detriment of those living on earth.

Very much the same sort of thing happens between friends or in human relationships of other kinds. Energy must be pumped into the affiliation, or the tie will unbind, and drifting apart will begin.

I observe that much of society, at least in the west, has let the pumping subside. Yes, we have new gadgets and apps for those gadgets that could help people pump energy into their interrelationships. Social media is it often called. But even this becomes old for the users and the energy output slacks off. People are either so busy or pretend they are so busy. They then neglect to pump energy into their system of relationship. I have seen it happen in circles of friends and even in families where there is blood relationship.

Just as the Sun and Earth system must constantly feed itself with energy exchanged between the two to maintain the system, so must humans. You cannot simply believe and act like systems will take care of themselves. If new energy is not pumped into them, the system’s structure will decay. Sooner or later, the arrangement will, literally, fall apart.

When you do not want to have this happen, you need to pump that relationship-energy.

Here are some suggestions:

– Genuinely seek to get a true answer to the question: How are you doing?

– Respond to that answer in a real and substantial way.

– Haven’t heard from a friend recently? Take the initiative to be in contact.

– Remember special days, like birthdays and anniversaries.

– Communicate useful thoughts on subjects your friend is interested in.

Energy-pumping is not difficult. It simply takes genuine involvement in your friends and family.